To The Last Man I Slept With And All The Jerks Just Like Him...

This has been the week from hell for me on many different levels. For now, let's just focus on men...

I just got off the phone with a guy I was supposed to see tonight. He called to cancel on me and tell me that he didn't see where "this situation" with us was going. He went on to tell me how I could make better use of my time and that I was such a great guy that I didn't deserve someone as fucked up as him.

When I first saw this guy 4 years ago, I was speechless. I thought he was so sexy. For two years, I would see him at bars and think how incredibly handsome he was. He was that one guy, you know the one you notice at the bars but are too afraid to speak to, the guy that walks across the room and everyone stares at, the guy that makes you smile, the one that makes you cross your fingers as you're locking your door and leaving your house in the hopes of seeing him out that night, the reason you splash on a bit more cologne or perfume. He's the reason you shave and have one or two razor cuts in areas you never thought you'd be shaving but do so cuz you just never know, he's the one your friends refer to when they call and ask if you're going out and you reply, "I don't feel like going out" to which they always respond, "but he might be there." Ah, yes, B(let's call him B) was all of this to me.

A little over two years ago, I went out bar hopping on my own. That night I met a "straight guy," and we chatted for a bit. As I was leaving the bar, I saw the "straight guy" and said to him, "Goodbye, sexy." Suddenly this other guy interrupted with,"Well, hello, sexy!" It was B and he was talking to me! I immediately forgot about that "straight guy" and focused all of my attention on B. The man I had admired for so many years was standing right before me and hitting on me; I couldn't believe it. I was excited. I was nervous and I was scared shitless. Within a matter of a five minutes, I had B's number and plans to see him again. I was on cloud nine!

Little did I know that the man I noticed at the bars for 2 years, the man I thought was incredibly sexy and attractive would have a few issues...quite a few issues. I always assumed that someone like B would be confident. I was wrong. B was never able to see all of the qualities I saw in him. In spite of appearing confident, he had low self-esteem and as much as he wanted to love, he didn't know how to be intimate and let people into his life. He sometimes tried with me. I believe he tried to convince himself that feeling good was a good thing but eventually his fear would take over and he would shut me out again. Sometimes I thought B believed he didn't deserve good things in his life, that he didn't deserve to be happy. It was quite sad. B would always tell me that he was fucked up and that I, on the other hand, had my shit together and deserved better and that I was a catch. Hearing him say that pissed me off for some reason. Let's be honest here, aren't we all just a little fucked up? Don't we all have issues? Perhaps we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves if only, at least for a moment in time, we could see ourselves through the eyes of others.

Anyway, B and I stopped talking for a while and somewhere along the line I met another wonderful guy named M&M(yeah, let's call him M&M). He and I hit it off from the start. We had a similar sense of humor, we shared common interests in silly things. At one point, he told me he liked me, "more than anyone he had ever met." Surprisingly, two weeks later he started pulling away. He got cold feet and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm not going to lie. Seeing M&M pull away was extremely painful for me because, while B may have been someone I found incredibly sexy, M&M was the first guy I actually really liked in a very very long time. I still remember the email M&M sent me about a month after he dumped me, telling me that the day he walked out of my house, the day he dumped me, he felt like he was walking off a plank on a ship and that perhaps he was making a decision he would never be able to take back. It's been 11 months and I still think of him, every now and then. Doesn't that suck, considering we only dated for 3months? I feel pathetic admitting that but it's my truth and I must own it.

It's funny how people come in and out of our lives, sometimes at precise moments. Shortly after M&M and I broke up, I bumped into B at a bar. He was drunk. He told me he was celebrating with his friends. He had just landed a major job in NYC and was moving there in the coming months. For some reason, I was saddened by the news. Part of me didn't want to see him leave. A greater part of me wondered what if things had only been different between us. That night B looked at me with a huge smile and asked if we could see each other before he left. I said, "absolutely." When we saw each other later that week, he poured his heart out and told me he thought, "we really might have a chance at something" and that he liked me so much. He mentioned how all week long he was in a good mood because he knew he was going to see me at the end of the week. He was happy and all smiles. I had never seen B like this. A part of me was excited to hear him say these words but another part of me was angry because of the timing. I felt cheated out of something that was never meant to be mine. He was leaving for NYC and I was not going to follow. The man before me that night was not the same man I had met years earlier, the man who was sexy yet distant, the man of few words. That evening, I fell asleep cuddled in the arms of a stranger. The morning after, I awoke in a frigid room with a deafening silence that echoed loudly through the walls of B's room and pounded against my chest so hard, I could barely breathe. I kept hearing and feeling the silence like a cruel symphony that was about to begin and all I could do was hate and respect the moment. Eventually, I realized that I didn't feel B in bed with me and I thought perhaps that was the reason my mind was playing tricks on me. I tried to convince myself that this cruel symphony of silence was just in my head and that B was probably making me coffee or breakfast. But when I turned around, there he was on the other end of the bed, laying quietly and nestled in his own little world. Indeed, I was alone in bed. Suddenly, I was reunited with the distant and cold B I remembered. I could only imagine the things that went through his mind. He never mentioned the things he had said the night before in a semi-drunken state of mind. He never talked about his plans to have me move with him to NYC(something I wouldn't have done). He never spoke again of how he knew "this situation" between us could work and that all we had to do was try. He never repeated how much he liked me. In the months that followed, B and I would get together, every now and then to catch up and see how we were. Part of me wanted to recapture the magic from that moment in his apartment. Another part of me, wondered why I insisted on trying so hard with this man who had obviously put up a wall up between himself and the rest of the world. This symphony was about to perform its Final Act.

Right about now, I was supposed to be at B's apartment for some drinks and conversation. However, he called about 2 and half hours ago to tell me that "this situation" between wasn't going anywhere and that I deserved so much better than him. He reminded me of how I had my shit together but he was just a mess. I should have reminded him of everything he said to me that night but never had the courage to repeat, instead I bit my tongue and kept my silence much like th night that M&M broke up with me. I wanted to make the process easier for him, much like I wanted to make it easier for M&M. It's funny, twice now I've found myself being dumped and I wanting to help them with the process of saying goodbye because I know it's hard for them. I've kept my silence for far too long. From now on, I am making a promise to myself to speak my mind and make men take responsibility for the mess they leave behind. I'm so fricken tired of cleaning up their mess.

I look back now at B and M&M and wonder why I put myself in those situations. Why I bit my tongue and didn't allow myself to speak my own truth and make them own what they did to me. So, to all of you reading this now, I pose this question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we insist and persist when we know that it may not work out? And have you ever been hurt by someone because they thought you were too good for them?

AND TO THE LAST MAN I SLEPT WITH AND ALL THE JERKS LIKE HIM, thank you. Thank you so much for the lessons learned. I am stronger and I am wiser because of you but certainly not solely because of you. I just hope you've learned from your mistakes the way I've learned from mine.


P.S. I'm listening to No One by Alicia Keys. I spent so many years of my life dedicating love songs to men and I decided, for the first time in my life, that I needed to dedicate a love song to myself and that's it.


P.S.S. Thank you to author Gwendolyn Zepeda. I borrowed the title to my latest blog entry from your book.

1 Girl, 1 Gay Boy, 1 Bad Dinner and a Bad Case of Peeing in Our Panties

Ok, so I know my friend Angie is gonna kill me for posting this but it was so funny I had to blog about it today!

Yesterday, my friend Angie and i went to to this place she absolutely loves called Tank Noodle. Before I continue, I must say that I've always thought of myself as the type of person who is willing to try new things but I've noticed that the older I get the the harder it is for me to try food I don't recognize. So, there we are at Angie's preferred Tank Noodle. I ordered a Pho(pronounced "fuh" as in "What the 'fu__' r you looking@?").
Looks pretty at first, doesn't it?? Looks can be deceiving!!!!

I thought it'd be pleasant. I thought I'd enjoy it. I was surprised to find things in my bowl I had never seen before in my life. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with my meal. I even offered Angie a bite of something I wouldn't dare eat. I tricked her into eating it by telling her she simply had to try it. She did. She no like.
This is the tumor I tricked Angie into eating

This is Angie not liking the tumor


After an hour of relaxing from a horrible meal, we headed off to Sofo with our friend Mark for what was supposed to be 1 drink. One drink turned into four and when we left, we were DRRRRRRRRUNK! Angie and I couldn't stop laughing for some reason and she kept telling me she was going to pee in her panties. A few minutes later I saw what appeared to be water stains on Angie's pants. Not cute. I told Angie I thought she really had pissed in her panties. After we got home(angie lives across the hall), she text'd me to tell me she was drunk, which I already knew, and wanted ice cream, which I already knew. So, there you have a typical Friday night.

We find our way to Sofo

This is the junk I pulled out of my Pho. I'd tell u what it is, if I knew!!!!! What the hell is this?????

This is Angie telling me she thinks she's gonna piss in her pants!!

I can only imagine the hot mess that followed!!

This what I imagine Angie doing if it hadn't been so late...

An Amazing Summer Ends With Summer

Earlier this year I made a mental list of all the things I wanted to do this summer. On my list were things such as:
1. Enjoy Summer!
2. Attend Andersonville MidSummer Fest
3. Attend Market Days
4. Go on a boat cruise
5. Go to Hollywood Beach
6. Go to Beach@night
7. Crash a party
8. See Donna Summer@Ravinia

...among other things I failed to do. Nonetheless, I managed to mostly all of what I hoped to do this summer. This was, to date, the summer of my life. I had soooooo much fun. This summer gave me an opportunity to make some new friends, experience new things and in the process have fun.

The train ride to Ravinia couldn't be any gayer. The Metra was filled with gay men and women left and right, top to bottom. I could hear a few voices singing in sync Donna Summer melodies.

Once we arrived to Ravinia, my friends and I(a bunch of Hot Thursday Messes) were overwhelmed by a sea of people who had already found a good spot to enjoy the concert. After about 10 minutes of looking, we finally found a spot we were able to squeeze into. My fondest memory will be of four single gay men laying on the ground and talking about the men that could've been "the one." As my friend put it, "it was like a slumber party."

To my Hot Thursday Messes, thank you so much for the moments and memories.

An Amazing Summer Begins For The Amazing Argyles

The other day, I was at Sofo with my friends Angie, Mark and Lorenzo having a few drinks. In a semi-drunken state of mind, I proposed a toast and said, "Here's to making amazing things happen in our lives as opposed to waiting for something amazing to happen." I then turned to Angie and said, I feel like we're sometimes waiting for something "amazing" to happen to us or to meet someone "amazing." Angie had this very serious look on her face and said, " I totally know what you mean. I feel that way." So, my friends and I made a pact to try and do different things this summer and push ourselves outside our comfort zone. Later that evening, I looked at all of my friends(we all live on Argyle), and said, "We are....we are...we are....We are THE AMAZING ARGYLES!!" I have no idea where that came from. It makes no sense cuz argyle is basically the diamond pattern you see on those sweaters we all dreaded wearing as kids. So, there you have it. An amazing begins for the Amazing Argyles.

So, I'm making amazing things happen this summer for myself. And it begins...

This weekend is Gay Pride Weekend in Chicago and I'm so hyped up. Here's what The City of Chicago has put together for this gay man...

Saturday, June 28, 2008-Pride Fest in Boystown with Frenchie Davis, Kimberly Locke, Martha Wash and Tiffany. Back in the day, I used to sing to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson songs off the top of my lungs, just like any other closeted gay teen of the 80's. Geez, what was I thinking? In any case, I will be there this Saturday singing along just like I used to when I was in my teens. Wanna sing along with me?? How about we lip dub to one of their songs? Hmmm...I think it's time for yet another video!!


As if A BIG FAT GAY CONCERT weren't enough, my friends and I are going to the Pride parade on Sunday. I presume the usual suspects will be there: naked men, Dykes on bikes, Way too many politicians (some of whom don't deserve my vote), PFLAG(favorite), The ever-so-fabulous ROTC and a bunch of hot messes!!!! Shoot! I, for sho, am going to be one MAJOR HOT MESS!! You coming? Join us and celebrate pride with us:-) Here are a few pix to motivate you to come out and show your pride...



...And then there's Monday. Just when you thought it couldn't get any PROUDER and GAYER, I, along with a few friends, will be going to Broadway in Chicago@ Grant Park! I'm super hyped up about this since it'll be my second time going to a Broadway show. I know it's nothing like the real thing but I get to see Wicked, Dirty Dancing and Jersey Boys FOR FREE!! As if that weren't enough, I also get a preview of the 2009 Broadway in Chicago season. I love it!

So if you're not busy this weekend, join us for a toast: To making amazing things happen in our lives as opposed to waiting for something amazing to happen!! Cheers!

Yuk!

So, I was out of commission for the past week and let me tell you, it was NOT PURRTY!! My roommate bought some hamburger meat and decided to make himself a burger. I chose to do the same the day after. Little did I know I was going to get food poisoning for an entire week and drop a few pounds. I didn't mind dropping the pounds but the hell I went through wasn't purrty.

Anyway, I'm back and ready to get started on blogging again.


Very valdivia

Oops! I did it again....

Last week, I started playing with my video camera again. It's not so much my video camera, so much as my laptop. That's right, I've recorded all of my videos on my laptop. Believe it or not, it's not so hard but maneuvering graciously throughout my apartment, all while holding a laptop can pose a few challenges.

Anyway, here's my latest video, Andar Conmigo by Julieta Venegas. Hope you like it..

I'm getting married on Thursday, 2/7/08!!!

Ok, so I'm not exactly getting married so much as hosting a marriage ceremony. Ok, so it's not exactly a marriage ceremony but rather the Freedom to Marry Reception.

I work for a wonderful museum in Chicago and a few months ago I received a phone call to ask if we were interested in hosting the Freedom to Marry Reception. I thought what a great idea! The museum I work for is very gay friendly so this seemed like a natural fit.

With only two days away, I'm already developing the wedding jitters. What to wear? Whom to bring? Something borrowed, something blue, something old and something new...something like that.

Anyway, if you're not doing anything this Thursday, stop by! Hell, free cocktails and free food. You can't beat that. Besides, it should be a lot of fun. Who knows? You may even get to catch the bouquet. Just be sure to stand clear of my way. I'm sort of like Charlotte from Sex & the City these days. "Where is he? I've been waiting since I was 15. I'm tired of waiting." I'm mostly kidding, mostly. Anyway, here's a visual to inspire you to come...

Lambda Legal & The National Museum of Mexican Art Present:
The Freedom to Marry Reception
1852 W. 19th Street
Chicago
2/7/08, 6-9pm